A free dress costs 13500
Nothing describes drama more than a slay Queen that has been pregnant for a few hours, days or months. If you are monied, she’ll start caressing her belly and talking of the baby kicking immediately she confirms the pregnancy results. Yaani, anatoka clinic kuambiwa ana mimba ya wiki tatu, ashaanza vituko. She will caress the belly and tell you daddy, mtoto anataka kwenda Java. Remember our mothers never knew pizza and neither were they allowed chicken while pregnant. All they ate was soil to boost their haemoglobin levels. Hawa wetu wanaweza lala kwa roof ukiwanyima kuku.
Next is looking for a free dress, a loose t-shirt actually, costing in the region of 13,500. No, not at toy market. And then she’ll book herself for clinic at Nairobi hospital where every month, couples (it means the man staying with her should accompany her) can be taught on how to prepare for a delivery that will come next year. She will then look for a child education plan. Daddy lazima tujipange mapema, mimi sitaki mtoto akifika wa kuenda high school tukose fee. It’s kinda embarrassment. Of course she means embarrassing, but you understand.
Then comes the photo shoot. A man will come with an ordinary camera to take photos of the baby bump while the man is ordered to smile sheepishly while from time to time touching the belly that may be containing a child that isn’t even his. You see, it could belong to the Uber driver who brought her to your place. She decided to eat the money you sent her for the taxi and paid in kind.
Showering an unborn baby for half a million
Auuuuuwi, I had forgotten about the baby shower. Nowadays they shower unborn babies. You will arrive at home from work to find the whole estate cordoned off by …not police really, but a group of funnily dressed women, about 30 of them, who have come to shower the baby. If you think it’s a two hour thing, you are in for a rude shock.
A slay queen getting pregnant must be celebrated until the wee hours. It means you won’t sleep until 2.00 or 3.00am in the morning. Don’t ask whether the rest of the slay shower squad is married. Of course not, your slay queen could be the only one living within a kilometer of a man. The rest of the gang somersault from one fuckboy to another, looking for the latest tattoo designs and competing amongst themselves on who smokes the most sheesha.
A month before the EDD (expected date of delivery for those who don’t know), she will book herself at one of those exclusive maternity wards at Nairobi Hospital or Aga khan. Daddy niliona indindi imekwom haraka ikabidi nimejiplan. Okay, this simply means you have to pay in the region of 1.2 million for the caesarian delivery of an underweight baby when Pumwani would have given you a bouncing young arsenole fan for as little as 1200.
Family planning for men
You now have to figure out how to raise a million more. Your friends aren’t doing better than you and will remind you that you should have planned for the delivery. You had nine months, didn’t you? What they mean to say is that a packet of condoms would have cost you less than 100 bob, and they are right. Family planning for men is that simple.
Your account balance has about 100,000. You now have to find ways of raising the difference. The idea of selling your ancestral land, together with everything in it, including your great grandfather’s grave comes to mind. You have to find the title deed or forge one. You are willing to sell everything, to get your queen out of hospital with the Uber driver’s baby. The slay gang that blew half a million on that shower thing has literally run out of town. Once in a while, two or three will visit to take selfies with the baby. Aaaaaw, he is kinda cute. Atakuwa na whiskers kama za babake. You have never had whiskers, maybe whiskey. Nairobi hospital detains you and her for 9 months.
Have a slay free week.